We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

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Salaam Aunt Maya, I’m a 28-year-old newlywed, and my husband and I currently live with his parents. They’re lovely people but quite conservative, and I’ve noticed that they’re not comfortable with public displays of affection between couples, even small gestures like holding hands or hugging. Growing up in a more open environment, I’m used to showing affection in simple ways, but now I feel like I have to hold back to avoid making them uncomfortable.

It’s starting to affect how my husband and I connect at home. We’re still getting used to being married, and I want to feel close to him without feeling like we have to hide our relationship behind closed doors. At the same time, I don’t want to disrespect his family’s values or create tension in the household. How can I balance showing love to my husband while being sensitive to my in-laws’ more traditional views?

Maya Areem responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

Firstly, I want to acknowledge how difficult this situation must feel for you. You’ve just embarked on this beautiful new chapter of your life, and naturally, you want to express the love and affection you and your husband feel for each other. It’s important to recognise that what you’re doing is not out of bounds in Islam. Your desire to nurture your marriage by showing affection is entirely valid.

First and foremost, it is important that you and your husband get on the same page about how this dynamic is affecting your connection at home. Does he also feel your relationship is being affected by these restrictions? You shouldn’t have to carry the weight of these expectations alone. A healthy marriage, especially when living with extended family, often relies on the couple operating as a team. Your husband’s role here is crucial as he should be advocating for both of you, especially when it comes to setting boundaries and ensuring you have the space to build your relationship. Remember, this isn’t just your challenge, it’s something your husband and in-laws must also navigate together with you.

Usually, when a wife moves in with the husband’s family, there is a power dynamic where she feels like an “outsider” disrupting established norms in the household, and that’s why your husband needs to step up and help create an environment where you both feel comfortable and connected. Holding hands or sharing small moments of affection shouldn’t be seen as something that needs to be gradually “introduced” or require special accommodations—these are natural expressions of love in a marriage. 

I would encourage you to openly talk with your husband about how you’re both feeling. Recognise that times have slightly changed regarding showing affection to your spouse; it is becoming more normalised and it’s not fair that your in-laws’ discomfort is prioritised over your comfort as a new couple. Together, you can explore ways to express affection that feels comfortable for both of you. This might involve your husband leading by initiating affectionate gestures into your daily life, like holding hands, having his arm around you while watching TV or sharing a hug when you greet each other after work. I would even suggest that your husband speak privately with his parents. While this may feel awkward, he must advocate for you. Often living with in-laws is about advocating for a couple’s needs vs. expectations of in-laws. Sometimes a one-off conversation is enough to be able to do this.

Remind yourself and your husband that Islamically, there is nothing wrong with expressing affection for each other and you have every right to feel at ease in your own home. If the expectation is to live with in-laws—which is a cultural norm, not a religious requirement—then there should be an effort to ensure that you and your husband have the space to grow and connect. You shouldn’t feel like a guest in your own home. 

Living with in-laws can indeed come with its own set of adjustments, but it’s not solely your responsibility to avoid “creating tension.” Tension in the household is something everyone contributes to, and everyone, not just you has a role in nurturing a peaceful home environment However, if it continues to hinder your relationship and comfort significantly, it might be worth considering moving out to create a space where you and your husband can freely express affection for each other.

May Allah ﷻ grant ease and barakah in your marriage.

Love + duas,
Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.