We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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Dear Aunt Maya, I generally have a good relationship with my dad but I have accidentally found out he watches porn. On multiple occasions, while using his devices I’ve seen porn sites in his recently viewed and on one occasion he even still had the tab open. My first instinct the first time it happened was to stay quiet and pretend I didn’t see it – he’s an adult and he has his own journey with his Deen and like other Muslim girls I have never brought up or had conversations about anything like this with my dad (I can’t even discuss being on my period with him!). However, as the years have gone on, I’ve noticed more evidence of him watching porn and it’s starting to get to me. I feel like I’m losing respect for him which is causing me to act rudely towards him/ignore him. I don’t think I can stay quiet any longer as it’s affecting my relationship with him and affecting how I view him, but, the thought of confronting him about it makes me even more nervous. Do I confront my dad about his porn consumption? If you think I should, then how?

Maya Areem responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

I’m so sorry that you had to discover something so painful and shocking. It’s entirely understandable that knowing this about your father has stirred difficult emotions. The weight of this discovery is understandably heavy, and it’s natural for it to bring a profound sense of disappointment and sadness. As children, we often look to our parents as our primary guides and moral compass, so finding out something troubling about them can feel deeply unsettling, even earth-shattering.

In moments like these, it’s important to remind yourself that you don’t carry the burden of “fixing” your loved ones. Islamically, we are encouraged to guide one another towards what is good, but we’re also advised to do so with wisdom, patience, and respect for boundaries. Given the sensitive nature of this situation, it may help to take a step back and reflect on your own intentions. Your concern is genuine, especially since it’s affecting your relationship with him, but ask yourself: Am I hoping to change his behaviour, or do I simply need a way to handle how this knowledge affects my own heart?

It’s completely natural to feel a shift in your respect for him. However, managing this emotional reaction is important for your own peace.  While your emotions are completely valid, acting rudely or ignoring him can deepen the divide and lead to more hurt. In a situation like this, it’s only natural to feel conflicted or even think, How am I supposed to honour him when he’s not fulfilling his own responsibilities? When someone we look up to crosses their boundaries of what’s acceptable, it can feel unfair or hypocritical. It is important to remember that our duty to uphold the rights of others—especially our parents—is first and foremost a responsibility between us and Allah ﷻ. This relationship is not transactional, nor does it rely on whether our parents live up to the same standards we expect. This responsibility to honour our parents is ultimately for Allah’s sake, and it serves as a reminder that we act with integrity, even when others fall short. 

Allah ﷻ says, “And We have commanded people to ˹honour˺ their parents.” (Surah Luqman 31:14)

Sometimes, it can help to remember that our loved ones—even parents—are complex individuals who may struggle with their own tests. When we consider their broader character, strengths, and the role they play in our lives, it can become easier to extend compassion without excusing harmful behaviour. Remember, we all have different challenges and sins, and it’s easy to judge another person’s struggles. Maintaining this kind of empathy can, over time, help you reconcile your feelings and reframe the relationship.

You may choose to address the matter directly, and if you do, try to be brief and compassionate. You could say something along the lines of, “Dad, I came across something on your device that’s been a bit difficult for me to process. It goes against all the values you have taught me. I know we don’t usually talk about these things, but I wanted to be honest because it’s affecting how I feel. I feel these actions disrespect our family and I want us to keep a good relationship where I can respect you like always.” Even a single sentence, if spoken with kindness, can spark reflection or a sense of accountability. If a face-to-face conversation feels overwhelming, consider writing down your thoughts in a letter instead. This approach can give you the chance to express yourself fully without the pressure of an immediate reaction. And if he does not change, remember that Allah ﷻ says,

“No soul burdened with sin will bear the burden of another.” (Surah Fatir 35:18) 

Every one of us is responsible for our own actions and will ultimately face our account on the Day of Judgment.

If you are not comfortable with a confrontation or you think directly talking to him about this may further strain your relationship, consider seeking support or indirect guidance from someone trusted—like an imam or a family elder who can share general reminders about digital ethics or moral boundaries in a family setting. Often, a subtle approach, like inviting religious counsel into the household, can be more effective than a direct conversation, especially when discussing topics that may be uncomfortable. If you want to support him in getting out of the habit, you can try sharing a lecture or article on the impact of media on spirituality which may serve as a gentle reminder without pointing directly at his actions.

Lastly, don’t underestimate the power of du’a. Making sincere du’a for your father, asking Allah ﷻ to guide him, help him with his struggles, and turn him away from such sin, can be transformative. You might also make du’a for patience and wisdom for yourself, asking Allah ﷻ to protect the respect you hold for him and to grant you mental and emotional peace. These prayers can be a powerful source of comfort and guidance, especially in situations where we feel helpless.

It’s completely understandable to feel a mixture of frustration and sadness. This experience may never feel fully comfortable, but approaching it with empathy, patience, and a focus on your own well-being can guide you toward a way forward.

May Allah ﷻ ease your heart, grant you patience, and help preserve the dignity and bonds within your family.

Love + du’as,
Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.