We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

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Salaam, I have been struggling with how to approach talking to my parents about me and my husband’s decision to separate after 10+ years together. Long story short, we have been in counselling many times and ultimately at a crossroads where we don’t believe we are the right partners for one another. I have seen how my parents have reacted to news about life and relationships with my other siblings and I’ve seen how much of their own unresolved traumas influenced their poor and unsupportive reactions. I fear that talking to them about this will make them want to fix everything, which my husband and I don’t want or need at this point. While we value input from our loved ones on navigating hardships, we have put our trust in God and asked Him to make what is meant for us easy. It is hard to explain that it’s not just one thing that’s causing our challenges in marriage, but I fear due to cultural reasons, my parents may suggest that whatever our troubles we can get over them, and my husband and I both know it’s not that simple. I want what is best for myself, my husband, and my parents, but I know my parents may not see this as good. I fear that I might be sacrificing my own needs and happiness by delaying talking to them, causing me to begin to wonder if I should just stick it out so as not to upset my parents. I truly don’t know what to do and feel stuck and scared.

Maya Areem Responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

Firstly, I want to acknowledge the emotional weight of what you’re going through. Separation after a decade together, especially when you’ve put in the effort through counselling and self-reflection, is not a small decision and it is commendable that you are taking steps toward what you believe is right for both of you.

I am sorry to hear that you are going through such life-changing decision without the support of your family, who might respond with judgment rather than understanding. The fear of disappointing or upsetting parents can weigh on us heavily, which can sometimes cause us to ignore our own feelings or problems. When it comes to big decisions like these, we’ve usually spent a lot of time, sometimes years, quietly processing the emotions, thinking them through deeply and coming to terms with them. But when we finally share the news with others, it’s likely the first time they are facing this reality. Because they haven’t been on that journey with us, their reactions can feel raw, unfiltered, and at times overwhelming, even if they mean well.

Many of us, particularly in culturally traditional families, are burdened with the emotional expectations of our parents. And when we finally try to do what feels right to us which they might not agree with, it can feel that we are betraying them, even when you’re doing so with good intentions and careful consideration.

When you’re ready to talk to them, frame the conversation in a way that sounds like you are letting them know and informing them vs. asking for their advice or permission. Being clear in this will help your delivery and allow you to keep the conversation coming back to the fact that you are here to let them know what is happening. 

Be frank and open about  what you and your husband have done to try to reconcile. Share that you’ve sought professional and spiritual guidance and that this decision has not been made lightly. You don’t need to go into every detail or justify your choice but you can emphasise that this is what you both believe is best with the help of Allah’s guidance. Parents often need reassurance that their children aren’t acting impulsively, and showing them that this is a carefully thought out decision might ease their instinct to “fix” things.

You may also want to set boundaries in advance about how much input you’re willing to accept. If they start to push for solutions you’ve already explored, calmly but firmly remind them that you and your husband have exhausted those options. You might say, “I understand your perspective and appreciate your concern, but we’ve tried those avenues and have come to this decision together with careful thought and duas.”

It’s also okay to be direct about what you need from them and be honest about the limits of what you can carry. You might say something like, “I know this news is difficult to hear but at the same time, I hope you understand that this has been a long process for us, and we’ve decided that separation is the best step. I’m not sharing this because I need advice; I’m sharing this because I hope you can understand that I’m already carrying a lot and need your support and understanding more than anything right now.” Be upfront about the kind of response you’re seeking which is unconditional support.

That said, you might have to reconcile with the fact that they won’t be happy with your decision initially. This is natural, especially when cultural expectations and their own hopes for your marriage come into play. But if you stand firm and hold your ground with kindness and patience, they are likely to come around in time. It’s a process, and it may not happen immediately, but parents often adjust when they see that their child is at peace with their decision. 

It might also help to prepare for your own emotions as you approach this conversation. Consider what your biggest fear is. Are you worried they’ll take your husband’s side? That they’ll make you feel guilty or try to convince you to stay? That they’ll be angry? Sometimes naming your worst fear can help you see that it’s unlikely to happen, or, if it does, that it’s something you can navigate with support. You might find it helpful to speak to a therapist or someone you trust beforehand, as they can guide you in managing both the conversation and your emotional response to their reaction.

Just like you had to go through the process to get to this point and accept it, they will now go through theirs, and it is not entirely your job to hold them through this step. Remember, you are not responsible for fixing their reactions or resolving their feelings for them. It’s natural for parents to want to intervene, especially if they perceive your decision as a failure of some kind. But you are not obligated to stay in a marriage that is no longer serving either of you simply to protect their perception of what is good or right. You’ve already sought counsel, worked on your marriage, and placed your trust in Allah. That trust is ultimately where your peace and strength will come from, even if the path ahead feels daunting.

It’s important to remember that staying in a marriage for their sake, when you and your husband both feel it’s no longer right, would only lead to further unhappiness for everyone involved. You are not being selfish by prioritising what is ultimately best for you both with integrity and sincerity. You can do this. You’ve shown strength and determination in making this decision and you have the courage to express it to your parents. 

Above all, keep turning to Allah. Make du’a for your parents’ hearts to be softened and for ease in navigating this conversation. Trust that the One who knows what’s in your heart will guide you through even the most difficult of moments. You are allowed to prioritise your well-being while still honouring your parents. Striking that balance is not easy, but it is possible with patience, kindness, and trust in Allah.

May Allah guide you through this process, bring peace to your heart and theirs, and surround you with support and understanding. May He grant you ease and barakah in all that lies ahead. Ameen

Love + Duas,

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.