We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

---

Earlier this year, a close family member passed away. Two days after their death, when my grief was still raw and I really needed support, my closest friends chose to prioritise a social event instead of being there for me, even though I had specifically asked them to come and support me if they could. What hurt most is that they seemed aware it might upset me, yet still chose to go ahead. These aren’t just casual friends; we’ve had a deep friendship, and I’ve always loved them like sisters. As a result, their actions cut deeply. At first, I didn’t say anything because I was overwhelmed with grief and family responsibilities. A couple of weeks later, I spoke to them. One friend apologised but never really checked in on me again, while the other didn’t take proper accountability and didn’t give me the chance to talk properly about how I was hurt, but she did make more of an effort after I told her I was struggling. During this time, my friends have barely checked in or supported me. Even when I’ve expressed feeling upset, I’ve been ignored. Because of this, I no longer feel comfortable being emotionally vulnerable with them. Their actions and lack of care have shown me that they don’t truly value my feelings.. Over the past few months, as I’ve grieved and spent more time alone, I’ve actually felt lighter without them. I’ve always tried to reflect on my own role in any friendship issues, wondering how I could be a better friend. But this feels like the final straw in a long line of concerns. Should I let these friendships go? I know that in Islam we should always forgive, and I do; I would never want to hold something against anyone that could harm them on the Day of Judgement. I feel as though I want to forgive but also move on, yet I’m unsure if that’s the right thing to do. Am I wrong for expecting more support from my friends during a time like this?

Maya Areem responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

I’m so sorry for your loss. Grief is a painful process, and it can feel lonely when people we trust don’t show up in the way we need. This is unfortunately really common, counsellors call them secondary losses. It’s like the death of someone close is a big stone dropped into the water, and all the ripples from it are the secondary losses you’re having to endure. 

It’s natural to hope that the people you are closest to will prioritise you when you’re grieving, especially when you’ve made your needs clear. Unfortunately, not everyone knows how to show up in times of grief. Some people are avoidant, others are paralysed by discomfort or not knowing what to do, and others simply lack the emotional depth to sit with someone else’s pain. In some instances, people do not realise the impact of grief. That doesn’t excuse their actions, but it can, in part, explain why you ended up feeling so unseen. 

Try to take a step back and think about what you want from the relationship. You mentioned this being the final straw in a long line of concerns, so perhaps you should consider whether this feels out of character for your friends who have a genuine sense of empathy for your hurt, or does it feel like a pattern that shows you what this friendship is and is perhaps difficult to come back from? If this specific behaviour feels out of character, then communicating and explaining that you want to work past this and airing it out may help.

If you’d like to attempt to reconcile again, try talking to your friends one more time and explain what their friendship means to you. Perhaps they didn’t understand the enormity of the situation and will accept it once you explain it to them. It can get messy, as feelings usually are, but holding space for each other and learning to communicate and grow from these experiences can actually lead to stronger friendships. 

If, however, there is no capacity to speak about how you feel about what has happened, maybe you can redefine your relationship with them and what that looks like. Sometimes close friends end up as acquaintances and vice versa. 

Friendship breakups are really hard to deal with, but it’s okay to let them fade with grace. You can forgive, make dua for them, and still move on by stepping back and drawing the boundaries you need. 

Everyone deserves love and care, especially in their hardest moments. May Allah grant you clarity and bless you with wholesome friendships that can offer strength and support at all times. Ameen.

Love + Duas,

Aunt Maya

---

If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.