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We asked our audience to share their love stories, tales of chance meetings, intentional steps, and everything in between. What came back was a mosaic of experiences, each unique yet equally exciting. Some spoke of stolen glances that turned into lifetimes together, others of introductions carefully arranged by family, and many of friendships that slowly unfolded into love.

This is our fifth story.

Please note that these stories are not for giving advice and are about documenting the lives of Muslim women who got married 🧡

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How did you and your husband first meet? 

We were introduced by my brother, they been good friends for about a year or so at that point. And he really liked him. My brother knew I was looking to get married, so he was like, ‘I think you two could get along, so I want to introduce you to each other and leave the rest to you.’ I was open to it, but I wanted to know a little bit about this guy before I went to meet him, and my brother absolutely refused to tell me anything about him. He wanted us to introduce ourselves as we wanted, and he didn’t tell Hamza (my husband) anything about me either. 

It was very nerve-wracking. I’d never really properly sat down with a potential to get married or anything like that, so it was like my first time, and I was really nervous. I didn’t know what to wear, how I should act or anything else. 

Do you feel like your brother knows you well? Did you trust his judgement? 

Definitely. MashaAllah, he’s very observant. And even though he’s my younger brother, he’s wise beyond his years, intelligent, he pays attention to people, and usually he has a pretty good sense of people. I was surprised by how well he knew me, but I think he knows me pretty well. Alhamdulillah, he wasn’t pushy at all. He was clear that if we decided we didn’t like each other after our first meeting, there was no pressure. He also sat down with Hamza beforehand and made it clear that if things didn’t work out between us, it wouldn’t affect their friendship. 

Can you expand on your first meeting? Where was it? 

My brother picked a boba spot because he knows I like boba a lot, and he was like worst case scenario, you get a drink out of it. 

However, my concern was that, when it came to physical requirements, I have three very basic conditions: he has to be taller than me, he can’t be super overweight, and he has to have hair. So, I asked my brother, and he was like, “Don’t worry, he’s tall, and he’s fit MashaAllah. He stays in shape and all that.” I said, “But does he have hair?” and he refused to tell me. 

Then on the day of the date, just as I’m getting ready to go, he said, “Actually, he’s bald.”

And I was like, dude, cancel it. I don’t even want to see the guy. It’s a deal breaker for me. I don’t want to meet him. But my brother was convinced that I’ll change my mind once I met him. I was adamant I didn’t want to meet him, but my brother refused to cancel, especially as it was on the day of the date. Finally, I accepted, but only with the intention of going for the boba. I was certain it was going to work out. My brother carried on saying, “You’ll change your mind. He wears it really well.”

Then we pulled up to the boba place. I was still very nervous, but my brother stayed there with us as a chaperone or mediator to try and help the conversation kind of flow. When I get nervous, I tend to get a little quiet, more reserved. I’d rather stand back and get more comfortable before I start talking. However, when my husband gets nervous, he talks. He blabbed nonstop for the next hour; he didn’t let my brother speak. He’d ask me a question, and before I could answer, he kept talking. It ended up being a rant for an hour. I had my list of questions, which I used to vet people, but I never even got around to them.

Eventually, the guys at the boba shop asked us to leave because they were closing. So, we walked outside to our cars, and we were standing in the parking lot. So my brother said, “I feel like we didn’t get anywhere with this. Do you guys want to find another place that’s open later, and we can try to talk a little more over there?” Hamza was very open to it, but I thought we’re going to go and he’s going to talk at me some more. I found out later that my brother had texted him on our way to the second place saying, “You’re doing great, but if you could maybe let my sister talk a bit more.”

So when we got there, Hamza had calmed down a bit, and I was more relaxed. He apologised for going on a rant, and asked me about myself. We finally got to talking, and then we sat there for the next three hours. It was just like instant sparks coming in. We never ran out of things to talk about, the conversation flowed, and he was incredibly funny. And that was one thing my brother told me about him before, that he was really funny, charismatic and easy to get along with. 

What was your first impression?

I really liked that I immediately felt comfortable around him from the get-go. Even though I was so nervous, I felt comfortable, and that’s a huge thing. He’s much bigger than me physically – he has a full nine inches on me – and he’s bulky, but I never felt threatened, nervous or scared around him. He immediately put me at ease. 

How long after the meeting did you get married?

Less than a year. 

We had our nikkah around three months after we met. I never thought it’d be that fast. My mum actually made fun of me because I always said that when I meet a person, I need to talk to them and get to know them properly for at least eight months, maybe longer, before I’ll feel comfortable enough to get married to them. And with Hamza, it was three months, and I was like I’m ready. So my mum was like, I always told you when it’s the right person, you know very quickly. 

Honestly, by the fourth time we met, I was 100% convinced. 

How many times did you meet in person before marrying?

The first time we met was right before Ramadan, about a week or so. When Ramadan started, we were busy, and we had to do our weekend stuff, so we would meet for iftar and hang out between iftar and tarweeh. 

My brother would suggest a restaurant for iftar, and we’d meet up there to talk and then go to the masjid from there. We did this around every week or so, and after a month and a half after we met, we decided to make it official. We got engaged at that point, and that’s when we started our premarital counselling. So then we were meeting once or twice a week for that with our counsellor.

How did you know you would get married to your current husband? 

It was the fact that he took what I said seriously. He never made me feel like my concerns were silly or frivolous. Even when at times, they weren’t super serious, he never made me feel like what I was saying was unimportant at all and he showed that through his actions. Also, if I mentioned something, he would take it seriously, and he would make sure to have it done usually by the next time that we met. And that was very, very important to me.

How old were both of you when you met?

He’s around 10 months older than me. 

I always thought I would want to marry someone a few years older than me. But in the end, it didn’t make that much of a difference at all. 

When looking for a partner, what was the one thing you were looking for?

Other than the bald thing, he was everything that I wanted, Alhamdulillah. He met all the requirements I had. I was open to all ethnicities, and with age, three-ish years older seemed ideal, though I was aware it was more about maturity levels, ability to be the leader of the household and a certain level of wisdom. That’s what I was looking for. 

The things that were the most important to me were practising in religion, the willingness to learn more about the deen, to stop and ask questions, and to go to a mentor or a teacher when you don’t know something. Hamza had all of those characteristics.

Generosity was a big requirement for me. I absolutely cannot stand stinginess in people. It’s definitely a huge turnoff for me. If you ask his friend group, Hamza is known as one of the most generous of all his friends, ma shaa Allah, and I definitely saw that. Also kindness, confidence and being empathetic even in situations that you may not have personally experienced or gone through. You shouldn’t dismiss other people’s experiences just because they’re different from yours. 

My requirements were more about his character.

Who initiated the idea of premarital counselling?

Hamza’s mentor and personal advisor, who is one of his really close friends, is also a counsellor, and he does premarital counselling. So he recommended it to Hamza, and I’d always known from before that I was going to get premarital counselling done. 

I had started seeing a therapist for my own personal mental health around five-ish years ago now, Alhamdulillah, and I had noticed how much it had helped me and benefited me in my relationships with my family, relatives and even friends at times. So I always knew that marital counselling was going to be very important to me, not just premarital, but then even after getting married.

I had the understanding that marital counselling is not something you go to when everything has fallen to pieces, and you’re on the verge of divorce, but it’s something that you go to regularly, perhaps every few months, just to check to make sure everything is on track, and learn what we can do to be better spouses to each other. That was my idea of marital counselling. 

I had no stigma about counselling, and that was also very important to me. Actually, one of the first few times that we met, I brought up the fact that I see a therapist for my mental health because I wanted to gauge his response to that. Has he ever been to therapy? Is he open to the idea? How would he feel about his wife going to see a counsellor for her own mental health? He had never been to therapy for himself, but he was very open to it, Alhamdulillah, and he said, “If somebody can teach me how to be a better husband, or how to be, for example, a better son or a better brother, I’m all ears, I want to get better and improve.” That was a huge green flag for me. 

How was premarital counselling?

We got in about eight sessions or so before we got married, and we’ve gone to him a few times also since getting married.

The first time we went, he told us just to come in as we were, and he gave us an overview of what to expect. He did it in a very beautiful way, mashallah, and I really benefited a lot from it, to the point that I’ve started telling people who are looking to get married, you should consider these things. 

He started with marriage in Islam is built on three things based on what we see in the Sunnah, and that’s the concept of Sakina, Mawwadah and Rahma, and he went into detail with each one of those, explaining what they mean and how they appear in real life. 

He said, Sakina is peace and tranquillity, and that is something which should always exist in your home as a married couple. Neither of you should not want to come home to the other person. Even if you’re in the biggest fight, you should still have that peace at home, so that when you come home, you feel safe. This is your haven from the rest of the world, and you should always have that feeling. Then he asked us to both give him the three things we need to feel Sakina in our home, and three things that will take away the feeling of Sakina. The next time we came in, we both had our three things. 

Then for Mawwadah, that’s unconditional love. With that, he went into love languages. How do you need to be shown love? How do you show love? What do you need to make you feel loved, even when the other person is annoyed or irritated at you? Because he was like, when you’re living together, at times, you’re going to have your low days, and you’re going to be irritated, just in general, and you’re going to annoy each other. That’s bound to happen; it happens whenever you’re living in close proximity with anyone, not only a spouse. So even when you’re annoyed at each other, what is something that you need to feel loved? And what would make you feel like that love was being taken away? 

Then Rahma, he says, is mercy and kindness, and this is something that needs to be shown towards everybodyat all times. We all have our flaws, which may be irritating to the other person, and we need Rahma shown to us to overlook the flaws we have. Then he said, “Give a few examples of things you feel you need to be shown Rahma with, and what are some things that are difficult for you to show Rahma to? 

So, all our sessions were built around these three concepts. We discussed them, and would each bring our own things: What do we need? What are we capable of? What is a little bit difficult for us? That way, he customised the counselling specifically for us with our issues. He would give examples like ‘Hamza, Marjaan says she struggles with this, so this is where you need to come in with this,’ or ‘Marjaan, this is what Hamza needs to feel this way in his house.’  So it was very customised immediately and relevant to us, and he was able to give us a lot of really beneficial advice.

We both came in with the same financial expectations of our spouses, so that part was pretty much settled. But we had to discuss a little bit of that when the topic of Mahr came in, and when my dad asked Hamza how he would make sure I’m financially taken care of. 

Sakina, Mawwadah and Rahma – are the foundation, and everything else – finances, intimacy, being friends with each other – is built upon those three things.

If you have those three things understood, then you’re like, he is my spouse at the end of the day, I love him. And this is how I show him I love him. She is my wife, and this is how I make sure she feels safe and taken care of in my house. This is how I make her feel loved and appreciated. Then, that just applies to everything. 

It was such a big blessing from Allah that we had our Ustadh as our marital counsellor because it set us up on the right track. Naturally, after we got married, we had disagreements at some points, we had arguments about stuff that happened in the house, and we had these steps to fall back on at every point. And even after we got married, he said, “My door is always open.” He’s very approachable, and we still go to him every now and then. 

How long have you been married for?

We’ve just passed our first anniversary.

What are three green flags (good qualities) Muslim women should look out for?

How influenced is he by his mentors, his friends and family? Of course, we should go to people for advice, but it’s a green flag when a person is able to stand up to people who are close to them and defend what they believe in, because that will be a good sign in the future. If one of his friends says, “How dare you help her out with the household work? Don’t you know that makes you less of a man?”, He’s not going to immediately be like, yeah, he’s right, and you should be doing all the housework. 

It was a green flag for me when I saw that my husband is able to have his own opinions, and he doesn’t get bullied or pushed around by other people’s mocking, comments or questions. You don’t want him to be stubborn, because that’s not a good quality to have, but he should be able to stand up to his friends and his family. 

Another green flag is if he doesn’t dismiss your feelings as you being a woman or being hysterical or anything like that. We have emotions, we have feelings, and those are valid. They are what make us human. We are not emotional, hysterical women, just because we have days when we’re more emotional than other days, for example. So there should be a level of respect for you and your feelings. Of course, in every good relationship, there is some level of teasing, but it shouldn’t be mocking or putting you down. It shouldn’t be dismissing your feelings as unimportant. 

What are three red flags (concerns) Muslim women should look out for?

Overly controlling is a huge red flag. If he tries to control your opinions, your thoughts, who you hang out with, what you do, what you say, in any way, shape, or form, it’s something to immediately look out for. If he is one of those people who are very strongly anti-feminist, I would say that is a concern for me. While I don’t think that as Muslims we can agree with feminism 100%, to completely dismiss any woman who speaks up for women’s rights in any capacity as a crazy feminist, a liberal or whatever, is a red flag. 

If he’s very easily influenced by things that he hears or sees or something his friends or family says. If he’s extremely right-wing or extremely left-wing wing, that’s something to look out for, as Islam teaches us the middle way. As Muslims, we shouldn’t be trying to align ourselves with any political parties, ideologies, or movements because we have Islam, and Islam is what guides our thoughts and feelings on all of these things. Sometimes they may align with a political party, and sometimes they may not, but that’s not our goal.

If you’re someone who’s socially active, if you’re an activist or you write articles, and you post them online, and he tries to restrict that, when it’s a big part of who you are and the work that you do, I would look into that. Ask questions like: Why does he feel the need to? to silence me? Why does he feel the need to not let me go out and do what I’ve been doing? That goes back to my earlier advice of looking for someone who aligns with what you do and what you want to do. If you’re someone who wants to be a stay-at-home mom, then don’t go looking for someone who expects you to work and pitch in 50% of the bills, and vice versa. And if you’re someone who likes to go out and be socially active and politically active, you want to be involved in activism and protests or anything like that, don’t get married to someone who believes you should stay home and not do any of that. 

To some extent, especially as women, our families influence that because they are usually more opinionated about who we marry than guys. For example, my husband is Palestinian, and they come from this village where everybody gets married to somebody from that village. So when he decided that he was going to marry me – with a desi background – he had very little pushback on that. Whereas for women to have the freedom to choose who they want to marry, it can sometimes be more difficult.

That advice kind of goes generally to the families who have girls: don’t force your daughter to get married to someone if she feels that they have very different life plans than what she wants to do.

If she wants to have a career, don’t force her to get married to someone who expects her to be a stay-at-home mom. That’s something that we need to work on as a community. We need to give our girls a similar level of freedom to choose who they want to get married to, within reason, as we do the guys. 

What advice would you give a single Muslim woman looking to get married?

Don’t base your self-worth on whether you’re married or not. That’s not where your value comes from. Your value is in your worship of Allah, not in whether you’re married or not. A lot of times, our communities can make us feel that way, but everybody has their time written for them by Allah.

Make sure you have a very good idea of who you are, and this will allow you to know who you need.

You want someone to balance you and complement you. If you have a good idea of what your strengths and weaknesses are, what your short term and long term goals are, then you will be able to look for someone who balances out your strengths and weaknesses, who’s able to complement them, who’s able to make you better, and someone who is also looking for things that are similar to what you’re looking for, or working towards similar goals. The general outline of your life plan should match for the most part with the general outline he has for himself, because if you guys have different life expectations, different life plans, and you expect to change each other, that’s not going to go well. 

So, make sure you know yourself well, you know what you’re looking for, and especially know what you absolutely can and cannot live with or without. Know your top deal breakers and absolute requirements. 

Also, if you have some trauma from your past, may Allah protect us all, make sure you have taken the steps to heal from that so that you’re not bringing unnecessary baggage into a relationship, which will then make it difficult for you to build a family. Make sure your own foundation is strong, and that you expect similarly of the person you’re looking for. 

Ideally, it is good to have a sense of yourself, have something which gives you an identity beyond being a wife, because that can sometimes lead to abusive relationships. You don’t see men basing their entire identity around being a husband. Even after they’re married, they have personal interests, they meet with their friends outside of their wife and their couple friends. They have a sense of self outside of the marriage, and you should do that too. Of course, a marriage is very important and being a wife is a big part of your identity once you’re married, but that shouldn’t be the whole identity. 

I firmly believe that each couple should set aside time every week to have some alone time with themselves. They should meet with friends outside of their husband and in-laws. This should be a regular habit to have, and it helps you bring more to the relationship. 

And the most important thing is to be incredibly specific with your duas. As silly as it may seem to you, if it’s something that you want and you like it, make dua for it. I can’t begin to tell you the number of silly things that I made dua for which were accepted, Alhamdulillah. I always loved watching romantic movies. So, whenever I would see – whether it was in movies, TV shows, or in real life – something that I thought was incredibly romantic, or something that I really wanted my husband to do, I would make dua to Allah that I want this specific quality in my husband, and the amount of those duas that have been accepted made me realise I should have been even more specific with my duas. 

I would see girls who describe having good relationships with their in-laws, and I would make dua that I wanted that as well. And Alhamdulillah, I can’t begin to describe how amazing my mother-in-law is. I feel just as close to her as I do to my own mom. She’s only been in my life for one year, yet I feel that close and comfortable with her. I go, and I hang out at her place, and I’m chilling and relaxed. I wanted my sisters-in-law to be my friends, though I didn’t even know I would have any. And now that I have two, I’ve found friends in them. 

So be very specific with the duas you want. You’re asking from the King of the Kings. If you went to an actual king in this world and they gave you a blank check to write anything you want, would you restrict what you ask for? Absolutely not. So, you’re asking the King of all kings, whose resources are unlimited, who can create things custom-made for you even if they don’t exist yet. Why would you restrict your duas to something basic and generic? Like, give me a good spouse? Yes, of course. May Allah give us all good spouses, but make that dua specific to you.

And the beauty with specific duas is that the more you care about something, the more you want something, the more from the heart it comes, and duas which truly come from the heart are the ones that are the most likely to be accepted.

If you make a generic dua, chances are you’re just saying words on your tongue with no heart or feeling behind them. You definitely won’t be crying thinking about a generically good spouse. So make dua that is customised for you and for what you want. 

For example, Ya Allah, I struggle with my mental health sometimes, and I have depression that is really bad on some days. Ya Allah, bless me with a spouse who will not make me feel ashamed of that, who will support me in the best way in those moments. Ya Allah, make him my shield, make him my cover, help him make me better. Ya Allah, if you have to custom make a man for me, do that. I can get married to him and be happier with him than I ever was. 

Make it as specific as you want, and I pray Allah accepts it from you and grants you much better than your expectations. Ameen.

I feel like even now when I’m married, I’m going to continue making more specific duas. Not just a general Ya Allah, keep my marriage filled with barakah and happiness, but yeah, let us be this happy always, let us be happier with each passing year, and so on and so forth.