We know that Amaliah is like a Big Sis and sometimes our DMs have been filled with requests for advice on a range of life issues including relationships, friendships or work troubles.

We have started a new segment where we field dilemmas from the community and answer them as frankly as we can with love, truth and honesty.

Need some advice on a dilemma? Send them all here!

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I recently lost my mum, and while my family and friends are trying to support me, a lot of what they say ends up feeling more hurtful than helpful. I keep hearing things like “be strong,” “she’s in a better place,” or “Allah tests those He loves.” I know they mean well, but it almost feels like they’re shutting down what I’m actually feeling. Whenever I try to share how hard this has been, someone jumps in with a reminder about sabr or tells me not to cry so much because “it will hurt her” or “won’t bring her back.” It makes me want to hide my grief just to avoid being corrected. I know they’re trying to help, but it’s starting to feel hurtful. 

Maya Areem Responds:

Asalamu Alaykum,

I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is an irreplaceable loss that can take years to come to terms with, and at times, even well-intentioned comments can feel painful instead of helpful.

Many people go through this because a lot of people simply don’t know how to react to someone else’s grief. Some people get uncomfortable or panic when they see someone grieving, and others rush to give “religious” reminders because they don’t know what else to say.

It seems that you recognise that all of their reactions are coming from a place of good intent, and you are trying to give them grace. But you want to be given grace for what you are feeling as well, without having to hand-hold and help them understand. I can see that it is easier to withdraw in isolation rather than try and do the emotional work of explaining what you need and how their current attempts at support aren’t helping entirely.

When it comes to family and loved ones not being able to support you as you grieve, sometimes, we find ourselves in situations where we need extra support, and we realise that not everyone who loves us dearly can provide that, as they probably don’t have the emotional range or depth to meet us where we are. I think reframing this and understanding who can’t be there in the way you need them to be helps to ensure a relationship that is generally filled with love and care isn’t tarnished. 

However, that still leaves you with a sense of not feeling emotionally supported. I would consider, are there specific people who you feel can offer that support to you, as it is really important to have a support circle to help you navigate grief. It may even be someone removed from the family; you can let them know you just need an outlet and that you consider them as one of those people.

I also want to reassure you about your experience of grief. Prophet Yaqub AS was so overwhelmed by grief when Yusuf AS was taken from him that he cried until he lost his eyesight. Prophet Muhammad ﷺ cried when Ibrahim, his son, passed away, and he grieved deeply after losing Khadijah RA. He ﷺ even said that tears are a mercy from Allah, meaning crying offers us comfort and relief. 

“The eyes are shedding tears and the heart is grieved, and we will not say except what pleases our Rubb. O Ibrahim! Indeed we are grieved by your departure.” (Bukhari)

If you want to say something when someone tries to lecture you, just keep it simple and say, “Thank you. I just need to process this in my own way right now,” or “I know you’re trying to help, but I just need space to feel things without too much advice.”

If you feel you can be a bit more honest with someone you are close to, you can say, “I don’t think anyone can really understand this unless they’ve been through it. I just need people to listen, not advise or try to correct me.” 

And sometimes you might not have the energy to explain anything at all. You can simply say ‘Thanks’ and carry on with your own process. Not everyone can offer the kind of support that truly helps, and it is okay to conserve your own emotional capacity to not get into a conversation about it.

If you feel it would be more beneficial to have someone to talk to who is trained in supporting people through grief and won’t try to shut down your emotions with advice, you might want to access professional help like a therapist. Doing so might not only give you the space to get everything you are feeling off your chest but also learn some genuinely helpful coping mechanisms that might help you in the future, even when your grief is not so raw. If this sounds like it would help you, you might want to look for a Muslim therapist or counsellor in your local area, as they can offer Islamically-rooted support whilst still providing a safe space to offload your emotions.

May Allah ﷻ bless you with sabr e jamil and grant your mother the highest place in Jannah. May He reward you and compensate you for bearing this loss and all the pain you are going through. Ameen.

Love + Duas,

Aunt Maya

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If you would like some wisdom from Aunt Maya, send in your problems here! Please note Aunt Maya may consult the opinion of others from time to time and ask the Amaliah community for their advice too. Aunt Maya is not a licensed therapist or mental health professional.