My first date with the Muslim community was kind of arranged, it kind of felt like a blind date. It was just before my Nikkah, and it seemed like everyone knew- or thought they knew about the ins and outs of my relationship when we had tried our best to keep it as private as possible. People couldn’t get enough of the low down about who I was marrying, and why I had kept it from them, it felt like they were foaming at the mouth a little, which only made me want to keep it from them more. I had an uneasy feeling about the people around me,  I heard the sharp whispers, and I ended up doing what I always do, ignored it, hoping someone will take heed, and be a little ashamed and think, “maybe I should be worrying about my own love life?”.

I guess we were bought up on the practices that encourage keeping things to ourselves for a number of reasons:

1. It may not work out, and having our privacy is such an underrated practice in this day and age.
2. If things do work out, we want to protect it.
3.  Internalising that it is ok to owe nothing to your community, particularly those who don’t wish to know you, but wish to know all about you (understand the difference).
4. Hassad, we are constantly on high alert for some reason, mostly when it comes to our relationships as it seems there is so much at stake, especially within our current climate so much out there designed to break the institution of marriage.
5. We are encouraged in Islam to keep matters between the husband and wife private.

On a break

After I got married, it was great for a while, I kept it long distance with the community, I felt invincible and happy. I didn’t feel their clinginess anymore, texting slowed and came to a halt. I didn’t feel the draining pull and tug of war of words between frenemies. I didn’t need to explain myself or paste a smile for people I don’t particularly like, I didn’t feel uncomfortable, or feel the artificial energy of forced friendships. It felt great!

But there was still an uncomfortable elephant bubbling under the surface,  see the thing is not many of the women I knew in my community were invited to my wedding.  Marrying young, means not necessarily being able to cater for thousands of people.

The ironic part was, many of the people I was unable to invite to my wedding, turned out to say some really malicious, and unkind things behind my back. Leading me to feel incredibly grateful for my intuition, that perfect little survival kit that Allah placed in the pit of my stomach that seems to accumulate a lot of acids every time something feels – odd.  It seemed that I had made the right decision.

I couldn’t understand the logic behind those who, in their anger of not being invited to a private gathering of someone they claimed to care about so much, could then eat my metaphorical flesh behind my back as a result. There was something incredibly unnerving about that.

I hoped the thought process of the women I had not been able to invite would be understanding, perhaps they would even make excuses. Perhaps they were mature enough to know there can be a multitude of reasons for this and gracious enough to let it go and let that be, and loving enough to wish me well despite their wanting to share in this celebration of life and love. Being angry about an invitation, to me, is quite fruitless, frivolous,  a little shallow even, and kind of obnoxious. How can we harbour feelings of toxicity like anger, over a celebration of feelings like love? But I do get it, I understand, it’s that niggling societal social hierarchal structure, which leaves people feeling rejected and unloved as a result of not being able to conform to it.

Not to mention how many people dissapproved of my choice of husband. This, I found a step too far, it was almost laughable it felt like a group of collective parents were wagging their finger at me dissapprovingly. This is when I realised I had a boundary problem between me and the muslim community.

I was bewildered. I told people my news, and I was half expecting a mixture of responses, some were smiles of reassurance, others, I had to hold my breath for. Isn’t there an unspoken rule that relays if someone is telling you that they made a choice, a choice that they can’t really change, you kind of have to respect that choice and smile, and show support for that choice even if you think it isn’t the best choice? I don’t know, I thought these were the basic 101 rules of Adab or adulting. Am I completely way off the mark here? Unless, we feel the person is making a bad choice based on clear, and substantial evidence that can back up this claim, other than a hunch,  everything else is just abstract feeling. Which can pretty much come from Shaytan.

Anyhow, I could feel it, I felt it in how many people who once called me ‘friend’ didn’t message, they became awkward and weird to be around in person, their energy was hostile. For a moment I was bemused, amused, and then annoyed. But still quite blissfully unaware of the severity of it, Allah was protecting me.  If we are more honest with ourselves and our relationships, we wouldn’t be so mad about silly things like invitations, and being included in the private lives of others. Because we would be self-aware enough to understand where our true relationships lie,  not necessarily in an invitation, whole enough to know another humans happiness is separate to our own, and emotionally intelligent enough to be non-judgemental of our own feelings of discomfort with others. Perhaps we would learn a few home truths about sustaining relationships, and how WE may feel we are a great friend, but may not necessarily be perceived as that, our job is to know this, and find out why.

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Foaming at the mouth

The obsession I have found in our community, this rude, and tacky self righteousness that we possess in thinking we have a right to know about very personal matters between two individuals when it comes to relationships, is the same one which caused me to want to go on a clean break from them.

People are nosy, the optimist in me thinks is it because no one really knows what they are doing when it comes to relationships, or never truly master it,  therefore we just kind of copy each other by imitation and hope for the best. The cynic in me, thinks its a little more sinister than that, where it could be rooted somewhere between obsession, gossip,  discontentment and in some cases jealousy. Which is only magnified to a larger scale when we project our little snapshots of  ‘relationship joy’ onto social media, which begs for trouble in this day and age. It’s most deepest roots, I believe, lay in our culture of tabloid gossip, Instagram, Twitter, clap backs, and petty indirects where we find grown men and women fighting, gossiping and mocking one other on public platforms. It all feels a little juvenile but most of us are guilty of it in some form.

So my relationship with the community went silent for a little while, it was quiet very quiet, they ghosted on me, which I was welcoming of.  As a couple, we were doing well. We were successful in our endeavours, and so little by little, the community began to pop up again in unexpected places. They smiled guiltily looking on in frustration, wanting in on the good vibes, and the changing tides of the atmosphere surrounding their peers (us).

Fickle ties

Things didn’t end up working out for my husband and I. An interesting thing occurredd though, the very people who were telling me uncomfortably negative things about him, were now singing his praises all over the place.  Not only this, but continued to gossip, sensationalise, and slander, us, speaking of matters that were either untrue, laughable or so private it really did not concern them. I remember actually second guessing myself, thinking I was paranoid for thinking people were talking, was I being gaslighted by the Muslim community? Were they being emotionally abusive? I began receiving phone calls from friends narrating to me the chain of gossip, like it was a chain of hadith written by truthful people, to explain how they got this news, and decided it was important for me to hear this news. I actually remember news reaching me, of some who were discussing my marriage, in depth, before I was even sure of what was going to happen between me and my husband myself. If you’re reading this and cringing, I’m glad, you have some humanity left inside you.

Infotainment

Sure, women from the community reached out, to speak to me to show “support” but they made little cameo appearances and disappeared again. Their foaming at the mouth was visible again, and it looked ugly from where I was sitting, their wanting to gain some insight into my marriage that had just broken down, wasn’t subtle at all. It was almost like I knew they were reporting back, or wanted to be the one to relay the news first, as if they had some legitimacy for being the first source. I mean the Daily Mail reports some of the first gossip out there, it doesn’t mean it’s legitimate. Anyway, as a last send off, for some closure between myself and the Muslim community, I decided if they were going to speak, I wanted to correct the facts. I simulated a mini test, to see how far this little nougat of news was going to go if I revealed it. Let me tell you that little nougat travelled, but I figured if people were going to be narrating their own versions of my marriage, the least I could do is set a few distorted facts straight, and say some truths that were not damaging to anyone involved.

This stuff unfortunately is entertainment for the Muslim community, another humans downfall is like kryptonite, gossip gold. Kind of like Damnatio ad bestias a form of capital punishment for the Romans, who would be entertained by criminals and runaway slaves fighting in a lions pit to the death. Brutal, and unislamic.

In my experience, when observing people I have found that those who are truly happy and confident in their relationships, with themselves and Allah wouldn’t dream of tiring their tongues in matters that do not concern them, there are people of integrity. The saying goes when you’re truly content inside, you find pain in the bad news of others. It is also a reflection of a persons life journey, when we are happy, too happy in fact, we don’t think too much about the business of others, we find ourselves forgetting to harbour negative thoughts or words,  and not in need to think about the business or lives of others since we are too busy living it!

Next time you see a group gossiping use it is a litmus test for how unhappy they are in their own lives. Give them a hug, they need it!

This disease festering in us is a problem we have adopted on a societal level, I don’t believe for a second it is merely the Muslim community suffering from it, we are all suffering from it on a macro level.  As a result, microcosms of different religious communities absorb these cultures and are too suffering from it, in all its forms. This trickles down in subtle but deadly ways into our day to day lives. I am most disappointed with the Muslim community, however, because Allah has held us to such high account with matters such as these, he entrusted us with these matters, we have a set of moral codes to adhere to, to make us the best of people. I thought the Muslim community would have my back, and be my allies when life got difficult. I hope we can all rise above and start loving ourselves and constructing a life we love enough to leave alone matters that do not concern us, and divorce ourselves from news that will weigh heavy on our scale of deeds on a day when it truly matters.