We took to our Instagram recently to ask the Amaliah community for their advice and top tips on finding a spouse. We received a ton of responses, some from those who have been married for years, newlyweds, and others who are on the lookout. We’ve compiled them all for you below so that everyone can benefit from these important insights.
1. Be honest with yourself about what you want from day one. It will help you not to waste time with the wrong people.
2. Dua! Pray for good character and for Allah to give you clarity.
3. Involve your Mahram early on, whether it be in meetings or when communicating with a potential partner.
4. Know what you’re looking for in a spouse. Writing a list of essentials, desirables etc. helps.
5. Think with your head and not your heart. It’s a tricky thing to master, but vital when trying to find someone suitable.
6. Don’t be afraid to speak about what you expect from the marriage early on because you fear putting them off.
7. Don’t hesitate to leave a date if it’s really not happening and he has put you off or offended you.
8. Treat the searching/dating process like you’re hiring for a job – draw up a list of requirements and interview prospective partners based on this criteria. Emotions can come later.
9. Don’t feel bad for not being on dating apps, it can be quite soul destroying on there.
10. Have your key/core questions answered within the first 3 conversations, and if you’re not sure what questions to ask then check out Amaliah’s handy list.
11. Make sure he prays, is kind and gentle, also that he can cook!
12. Get premarital counselling.
13. Know yourself and what you value. This might come through the process of getting to know different people, but whatever experiences it takes, get to know yourself really well. Know what you sincerely value and what you to prioritise.
14. Be brutally honest with yourself. This will make point one a whole lot easier. It will also make it easier for you to know when you’ve met a person you want in your life forever as a partner.
15. Trust your instincts. If you feel confused, uncomfortable or unsure, don’t ignore that! Reflect on it. On the flip side, if you feel settled and content then listen to that too!
16. Ask yourself: does this person’s company help or hinder my relationship with Allah?
17. Don’t be afraid to make the first move. Just be honest because the clarity is worth it and if you want something, you have to go after it!
18. As well as deen, look for someone who will be your friend. Friendship is important in a relationship.
19. Tick boxes can sometimes rule out a bunch of amazing men, so it’s more important to figure out what your non-negotiable are, what you need vs what you want from your spouse, and what you have to offer too! That takes a level of introspection, time and effort.
20. No matter how much you want to get married, don’t ignore the red flags!
21. Don’t obsess about how you meet your partner – whether it be through a family set-up, a chance meeting or a dating app, focus on finding the right person and not on the story of how you met.
22. Ask about how they plan to handle their finances. Some people think it’s too intrusive or awkward but it’s absolutely crucial to clarify these things before marriage.
23. Don’t write off Muslim men who seem a bit awkward when they make the first move (or if they go through friends to inquire if you’re interested). Applaud men who actually ask for your dad’s number. Often, these guys are just trying their best to do the right thing.
24. Have your ‘shopping list’, but also seek advice from trusted elders and married friends.
25. Ask many questions. Don’t be shy to open your mouth or some people will expect you to keep it shut!
26. Whatever people might say, you DO marry a person’s family and their traumas, so be prepared and learn how to set boundaries early on.
27. Don’t allow rejection to damage your self-esteem/confidence. Always know your worth and surround yourself with people who will remind you of it on the days when you feel really low and dejected.
28. Focus on living your best life and becoming the kind of person you’re looking for.
29. Understand how to control your ego and to communicate with respect – a big part of marriage is about compromise and respect.
30. Prioritise kindness as a key character trait. This is different to “being nice”; kindness is what comes through from caring for someone, it’s what it means to be a companion and to be nurturing. Kindness is also what will amplify other things you may be looking for. If they are practicing, then the kindness will show in how they practice and interpret the deed. It can also show in things like how they spend their money.
31. While it’s important to seek a second opinion, try to avoid de-briefing and discussing potentials with people who have had a particularly negative experience with marriage and dating. If they haven’t worked through their emotions, you could find that they project that onto you when you come to them seeking advice.
32. Stay true to yourself and trust your gut instincts.
33. Never rush into marriage just because all your friends are finding spouses and you’re feeling lonely. Marriage is one of the biggest decisions you can ever make in your life and while things can still go left if you take your time, you’ll have less regret when you do everything you can to properly vet a potential, so have Sabr and don’t rush into it blindly.
34. Goes without saying, but make plenty of Istikhara and Dua
35. Try to be exactly who you are and focus on how the person you’re considering makes you feel. Analyse how he treats you and your loved ones rather than if he’s the “perfect” man or not.
36. Don’t underestimate the importance of attraction! Just because he’s good on paper, doesn’t mean that you will be able to connect with him later on. It doesn’t have to be butterflies in your stomach or anything crazy, but there should be enough of a spark that you can build on.
37. Age doesn’t necessarily equal maturity! Maturity is all about taking responsibility, communicating clearly, having trust and sharing, whether that be emotions or household etc. This should be a non-negotiable.
38. Wanting to live separately from your in-laws doesn’t make you a bad person or partner. Communicate this early on and be firm in your decision.
39. We all have our faults and flaws, but don’t marry potential. It’s not your job to “fix” anyone.
40. Get educated on your rights and duties in Islam before getting married.
41. Give people a chance to explain themselves. Not everything is a red flag.
42. Actions speak louder than words, so believe them when they show you who they are vs when they tell you what they’re like.
43. Observe what they’re like when they’re angry, when you tell them ‘No’ or when they don’t get what they want – this can be extremely telling!
44. If you find yourself hiding certain pieces of information about a person from family/friends, ask yourself why? Is it embarrassing or is it a red flag you’re trying to ignore because you really want things to work out?
45. Don’t get emotionally invested before you’re happy with the person objectively.
46. One thing for sure about men: if he’s interested, he will make sure that you know. It’s usually not a good sign when you’re having to do all the chasing and putting in all the effort.
47. Be resilient and put your trust in Allah.
48. Make dua during key times and especially during Tahhajud
49. Work on yourself emotionally, mentally and spiritually so that when you meet the right person, they are an addition to an already fulfilling life, and not your projected source of fulfilment. That way, if things don’t work out or if you don’t marry at all, then you will still see yourself as enough.
50. If it never happens for you, know that it is khayr from Allah and that He has other incredible plans in store for you and your life.
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