When we embark on the journey of seeking a spouse there are so many questions that arise about the other person but what’s equally and arguably most important are the questions you ask yourself before and throughout the journey. These questions are a great way to remind yourself of your ‘why’, who you are and to keep ensuring you are giving yourself the best preparation whether you find someone or not.
1. Are you seeking to fill a void? If yes, what void are you trying to fill? What deficiency in your faith does it lead to?
2. What insecurities are you bringing into this relationship?
3. In what ways are you learning about your potential spouse’s priorities, values and Islamic orientation?
4. What are you willing to compromise on? What matters/views/beliefs are you secure in and seek to find compatibility with and calibration on?
5. Is a lot of your uncertainty in life due to self-doubt rather than incompetency or lack of knowledge?
6. Is certainty a valid measure of readiness? Will I ever feel ready or certain?
7. How much is external pressure, whether direct or indirect, driving your search for marriage?
8. Are you subconsciously preparing yourself to settle?
9. What do you value and strive for in yourself?
10. Do your values and your potential spouse’s values align? Is alignment difficult or does it feel natural?
11. How do you strike a balance between detaching yourself enough from someone else while trying to discover them as a person?
12. Are you ready to open up about your burdens, to accept compliments or praise, to recognise your own insecurities and be receptive to advice or feedback?
13. Are you ready to listen to someone else’s burdens, give compliments or praise and give them advice or constructive feedback?
14. Does your distrust in men inhibit you or aid you? The bars you’ve built around yourself over the years are your defence, but does it constrict you more than it protects you?
15. Do you recognise signs of abuse – how do you respond to them? Do you welcome them (due to a self-fulfilling prophecy), or do you reject them?
16. Are you aware of when someone is gaslighting you? Do you feel yourself becoming co-dependent?
17. Does your potential spouse make you feel vulnerable and marginalised, or do they make you feel confident and heard?
18. How do you measure ‘chemistry’ and what does it look like for you?
19. How big of an indicator is feeling chemistry to the success of a relationship? Can it become a superficial thing to focus on, as we are expecting some form of infatuation or gratification from it? Can you learn how to build chemistry with someone?
20. How much importance are you placing on the superficial compared to the significant?
21. What will help you feel more prepared for marriage? Are you searching for the right purpose?
22. Are you more afraid of what you might find out about yourself in the process than the idea of getting to know someone else?
23. Is the secret searching damaging your well-being?
24. How is your relationship with Allah?
This piece was written by a member of the Amaliah community. If you would like to contribute anonymously, drop us an email us on firstname.lastname@example.org