Muslim Twitter came through with advice on the green flags to look for in a potential spouse.

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Finding the one, what a journey it is and at times a minefield to navigate! What’s been helpful in women sharing their experiences of finding the one is sisters flagging what to spot early and potential red flags. Knowing exactly what red flags to look out for have saved many hearts and lives no doubt!

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It wasn’t until a conversation where a friend, who had listened to me over  weeks as I discussed the red flags that I was seeing in men, stopped me and asked:

“Do you even take notice of any green flags or are you searching for red flags out of curiosity.”

Instantly my mind replied yes.

“Has your trauma and the bad stories and your heartache taught you that all men are guilty until proven innocent and that all men are in fact dangerous and out to hurt you?”

I’ve been working through what ideas I hold of men and how my experiences or environments have shaped this, by no means is this a call to ignore them but our experiences contribute to us in a range of ways and it’s good to review how and why. Do we actually collect evidence to prove our theories right or do we look at an individual for who they are, and are open to learn and be curious about them?

Are all red flags things to walk away from or an opportunity for conversation to explore more before deciding?

Some red flags mean there is no turning back and it’s time to walk away, while others aren’t red flags, they are just things you don’t think will work for you or something to raise and understand why the person has said what they have.

Exploring this is important even if you decide to walk away.

Do they actually change their view point after the conversation or consider things differently? Because that then is a green flag as they are mature and open enough to embark on improvement and introspection.

This has helped me look at the potential other half as another being who is flawed and blessed but not all are for me. Even if I never get married, I don’t always want to look down on men and I think this can happen.

This is no way suggesting we ignore the red flags but we should seek to develop the whole view of a person, not just by faults. Green flags are separate to ‘just having a good feeling’ about the person or the basic ‘they are a nice guy’. Sis, we want the best for you and I want the very best for myself.

“None of you will believe until you love for your sister what you love for yourself.”

(Bukhari & Muslim)

I turned to the Twitter community to invite them to share all the green flags, we aren’t saying that these will find you the one but I reckon they will help us all see fully.

Original Tweet

We need some hope single sisters. Please can you all share GREEN FLAGS when chatting to a guy for marriage? Not everyday Red.

— Selina ~ AMALIAH.COM (@Selina_Bakkar) May 27, 2022

I want to start by inviting all my sisters and brothers searching to have Husn-Al-Dhan Billah (having a good expectation of Allah and thus out comes) as you embark on this journey and make the intention to find a spouse for the sake of Allah it’s important to maintain this perspective. Everything begins with intention and it can be easy to forget that on the ups and downs of the journey.

This excerpt in a Quran Academy article is the mindset we should be approaching marriage with as well as other matters:

“I am as My servant expects of Me, so if he thinks good of Me then he will have it, and if he thinks evil of Me then he will have it.” 

The starting point of Islam is Al-Shahada: saying “La ilaha illa Allah – There is no God but Allah.” It is followed by the continuation: faith, or truly believing in Allah, and all His qualities.  Husn Al-Dhan Billah (حٌسن الظّن بِالله), or thinking positively of Allah (swt), becomes a continuation of the basic pillars that make up faith (iman); which comes with the full realization and understanding of His mercy. Allah says in Surat Al A’raaf: “My mercy is all-encompassing, it embraces everything.”  “ورحمتي وسعت كل شي”

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53 Questions to ask your potential spouse

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Someone who cares about good communication:

1. Someone who is gracious when you’re taking responsibility for your mistakes  and welcomes your efforts to make things right.
2. Someone who can take responsibility when they’re in the wrong and are willing to make things right.
3. Someone who communicates well during disagreements.
4. He answers all your questions and concerns, and doesn’t dismiss them.
5. He’s respectful with his language.
6. He doesn’t centre conversations around himself.
7. He is open and honest.
8. He never talks about anyone.
9. He makes a point to learn about your interests and tries to share them with you.
10. Treats you with nothing but love & respect.
11. He doesn’t try too hard.
12. He takes the time to think before answering important questions.
13. He is gentle when explaining a concept you’re unaware of rather than infantilizing you.
14. Does not mansplain.
15. Does not complain incessantly.
16. He always smiles.
17. He is clear about his non-negotiables.
18. He is an empathetic listener.
19. He is straightforward and transparent.
20. Doesn’t ask or judge you about the past.
21. “Curiosity about someone’s past to ensure there are no aspects that are still present that might pose as issues is a green flag. I’m all for no judgement, and also know that feigning ignorance can lead to regret (and heartache).” – @layinkasanni

Someone with strong values:

23. Doesn’t get inappropriate or ask to meet in his car.

Never takes the convo to an inappropriate direction, if you get what I mean

— zaynab 🇵🇸 (@omdxxxx) May 27, 2022

24. He doesn’t ask for pictures constantly.

25. Does not take the conversation to an inappropriate direction.

26. Respects boundaries and takes “no” for an answer.

27. He doesn’t lie, play games, let anyone down or break promises.

28. “Accepts that you work and have an income while providing for you.”

29. He respects your values and morals from the get go.

He is family-centred:

30. Makes an active effort with your siblings and parents.

31. Values your parent’s opinions.

32. Cares for and looks after his mother.

33. Has an affectionate and friendly relationship with his mahram women (mother, sisters, aunts, nieces, etc).

Someone with adab/good manners: 

34. Doesn’t raise his voice when having difficult conversations.

35. Speaks with reflection not unnecessarily.

36. Someone who shows minimal to 0 signs of aggression.

37. He doesn’t get jealous/petty about things like spending time with your friends or not being in constant contact with him.

38. Doesn’t try to convince you to accept his faults as they are but actively works on improving his character.

39. Is good to service workers.

Makes an effort with your family; treats staff (waiters, cleaners etc) respectfully; doesn’t get jealous/petty about things like spending time with your friends or not being in constant contact with him; revolves his day around salah; healthy relationship with his mum/sisters

— nadeine asbali (@najourno) May 27, 2022

40.Compassionate to all.

41. Knows himself, flaws and virtues.

42. He maintains good hygiene.

43. Views you as an equal not someone to overpower.

44. He has a strong work ethic.

Someone who is serious about the deen: 

45. Revolves his day around salah.

46. He approaches you respectfully from the start.

47. Recites Qur’an regularly.

48. Prays in jamaah.

49. He reads books and is constantly learning. 

Recites Qur’an regularly, prays in jamaah, reads books, actively tries to better himself as a Muslim BUT doesn’t use that as a tool to belittle you. Simply worries about himself first and foremost and hopes you’ll join in

— Iman (@nahlabee) May 27, 2022

50. Doesn’t undermine your religious intelligence and free will.

51. Actively tries to better himself as a Muslim BUT doesn’t use that as a tool to belittle you.

52. Agrees to a marriage contract and a sensible mehar, and PAYS IT.

53. “A real man will take the proper measures to marry you, not try to meet you alone and do it in secretly. Prolonging the nikaah is a major red flag.” – @hypebeast4evr

54. He has a good balance of deen and dunya. 

55. Leads an Islam centric life, everything worldly is secondary.

Someone who will make an effort for you:

56.  “Sincere, not perfect. Just need a good man with a good heart, who tries his best and relies on Allah to see his efforts through. A best friend, advisor, lover and companion all in one.”

57. He matches your emotional intelligence. 

58. “He gets memes when I drop them verbally. Makes me melt.” – @_SeauxMali

59. Not a “yes” man.

60.  Dresses well.

61. Remembers things that matter to you.

62. Looks after his physical and mental well being.

63. Has good companions.

64. His company is illuminating.

65. He can take care of himself!

66. He takes  an interest in your passions/hobbies.

Someone who has a positive approach to marriage:

67. Is able to provide for you and doesn’t expect you to live with his family, unless you want to.

68. Views you as an equal not someone to overpower.

69. Isn’t keeping you hidden from relevant people.

70. Insists on talking to family from the start and actively plans to marry soon.

71. Shows his commitment to you by moving forward in the right direction at a good pace.

72. He is not stingy with his money or time.

Is not stingy with his money and/or time. Hard to gauge sometimes but if you can find out then it’s defo a green flag

— yasmin (@yasmina0812) May 27, 2022

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